iPatch

An iPod that covers your eye.

But anyway, the Apple iPad was announced today, basically the Apple Tablet that everyone's been talkin' 'bout.

First off, before I start giving you guys all my pennies (HAHAHAHA GET IT? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT THE PHRASE "MY TWO CENTS" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), I have to say something, something I'm not proud of.

I...am a screen-ist.

I am personally prejudiced and biased towards screens of a certain design.

The screen type that is the object of my PERFECTLY RATIONALE hatred is the Touch-Screen.

I HATE touch screens so much.

I don't understand why giving something a touch screen makes it more desirable. In my opinion, there is only one product that uses a touch screen well, and that is the Nintendo DS/DS Lite/DSi/DSiXL or whatever. The only reason I am okay with the DS touch screen is because it uses a stylus.

You can probably see why I hate touch screens so much, now that I've revealed how big a selling point the stylus is for me. But if you don't yet realize it, I will enlighten you:

I dislike touch screens, because most of them require you to rub your greasy, grimy, disgusting little fingers all over your screen. You end up smudging the screen, getting grease on the screen, and making the screen hard to see and use.

I have no idea why anyone would want to pay a shitload of money for an iPhone, only for it to stop looking good after about a week, when you could easily (like the Android does) give it both touch screen AND full keyboard capabilities.

But whatever.

Onto the iPad.

I'm going to sum it up for you very easily:

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN AN iPAD, I AM BASING THIS OFF OF THE OFFICIAL SITE INFO.

The Apple iPad is a too-bog-but-too-small, beautiful, high-definition, half-an-inch thick touch screen, with all the features of an iPhone EXCEPT the phone part, and an iMac, except WITHOUT the memory abilities. Oh, and it costs $500.

First off, it's unwieldy. It's way too big, and thin. It looks like I could break it in half without even trying, or by accident. Second, there's no reason for it to be that big, when you could have a much more convenient and effective smartphone of some kind. Unless, of course, you're like, 80 or something, but then again, what the hell is an 80 year old doing with an iPad?

And also, the ENTIRE THING is a dreaded touch screen! In order to access ANYTHING it does, you have to touch it with your disgusting little fingers! It is nearly impossible to use this comfortably without touching it!

But now, let's look at what it can do:

Browser: you can use Safari, just like on your computer at home, or your smartphone can use a browser.

E-Mail: Again, computer, netbook, phone.

Pictures: Yes, because after I take a picture with my digital camera/phone, I'm going to upload it to the iPad instead of just looking at my phone/camera.

Video: You can watch movies on it, which I guess is kind of cool, except for a couple of things; if you watch movies in public, people will try to watch over your shoulder. If you watch at home, your an idiot, because you've bought an iPad instead of a DVD player.

Youtube: I don't understand why Apple gave this it's own section aside from browser.

iPod: So instead of having something you can easily slip into your pocket to listen to music while in public, you are expected to look at the album artwork the entire time, and hold it, since it's too big for your pocket comfortably.

iTunes: This is kinda cool. Portable iTunes. But then again, who actually buys music anymore?

iBook: Get a Kindle, or, and here's a cuh-razzyyy idea, READ A BOOK!!!

And the rest is just stuff you can do on a phone.

So yeah.

I understand that this is just the first generation, but come on. It really is a waste of money. Too big to be convenient on-the-go, too small to use at home, and you probably already own everything that does what it already does.

I think my uncle said it best;

Straight out of the gate, Apple said the iPad is an "in-between" device between the functionality of an iPhone and a Mac. It replaces neither. So basically it's a big iPhone with no voice calling.

What do I recommend?

Don't get it. It's too expensive, and it doesn't do enough new stuff.

So don't get it.

Unless, of course, you have some bizarre sexual fetish for Apple products.

In that case, stop reading this, go out and reserve an iPad, come back to your house, and pleasure yourself to a picture of Steve Jobs.

Ice Ice Baby Vs. U Can't Touch This

Yes, that is in fact one of the 97 original mash-ups found in DJ Hero.

DJ Hero is beast.

So let's examine it, shall we?

First off, DJ Hero is a game for all three current consoles, and features a special Renegade Edition, which comes with some extra stuff. I have the Renegade Edition for the PS3. More on that later. DJ Hero is developed by FreeStyleGames and published by Activision. It's a "Music Sim" game, just like Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Now, that's where I paused when I first heard about it. Yes, Guitar Hero 3 was fun, but I never played after the initial thrill wore off. I could only play on Easy, and it had a big and cumbersome controller. I never played Rock Band because I can't sing, I didn't understand how to play Rock Band Drums, and I sucked at Guitar Hero. Plus, if you messed up on ANY note in Guitar Hero, the entire guitar part goes silent, which really sounds awful. And, the sound you would make playing the game oftentimes overwhelmed the sound of the actual game. The clickity clack of the keys and the strum button. And finally, I never really liked rock enough to get a permanent thrill of pretending to be famous. I could just as easily play Air Guitar, and Air Guitar doesn't require a huge fake guitar. Plus, the songs were never something new. It was just playing the same thing you already heard.

DJ Hero fixes nearly all of that. There are only 3 buttons, so when you change the difficulty, you only need skill, not skill AND ridiculous dexterity. The 97 mash ups are amazing to listen to, and incredibly fun to play. The buttons press quietly, and in fact, you don't do much button mashing. Most of the actions are either moving the crossfader, twisting the tone knob, or scratching, which is holding the button and moving the turntable back and forth rapidly and continuously.

SO!

Now that you know about the game, let's review it!

Okay, so there are some bad parts. One or two mashups are bad, "Hollaback Girl" is annoying as HELL, and the songs that require a guitar part aren't much fun. Also, some songs require RAPID movement of the crossfader back and forth from both extremes, which gets REALLY hard and complicated. And the original DJ's are the ugliest, stupidest things, I have ever seen.

The good, outweighs the bad, sooooooooo much!

First of all, the mashups=love. I actually got all of the mash-ups on my iPod, and I can't stop listening. They're original, and for the most part, they all work really well. My fave's include:

All the Daft Punk mixes

My Name Is VS Loser

Izzo VS My Name Is

Feel Good Inc VS Heard It Through The Grapevine

Ice Ice Baby VS U Can't Touch This

Day N Nite VS Boom Boom

So yeah. The venues are all amazing, and there's a lot of cool things that aren't even gameplay related in here.

The unlockable DJ's that are real life people include:

DJ Grandmaster Flash (Who also narrates the tutorial)

DJ Jazzy Jeff

Daft Punk

DJ Shadow

DJ AM

DJ Z-Trip

So yeah. Pretty impressive. Especially in the case of Daft Punk. Not only is it the two guys in full Robot Costume, but they also automatically use the big computer/drum machine thingy they use in concerts. In fact, once you unlock them, you unlock the Daft Punk Presents venue, which is the next best thing to a Daft Punk concert.

In the venue, you play seven mixes all including Daft Punk songs, and you can unlock an eighth mix Bonus Beat that is a mix of all the Daft Punk songs in the game.

Now, I told you all that I got the Renegade Edition. What separates the Renegade Edition from the regular game is;

A unique turntable (Nothing special)

A carrying case that converts into a stand (SOOO AMAZING! I can't play the game without it)

The DJ Hero Renegade Edition CD set, which includes one Jay Z CD of new/newish songs, and one Eminem CD of new/newish songs. These are especially cool because the album artwork is amazing, and the CD art makes the CD's look like old Vinyl records.

The game also features a "Party Play" mode, that let's you have the game play itself, and allowing you to jump in whenever, or just let it play and DJ your own party.

So in summation, I HIGHLY recommend this game if you like hip-hop, DJing, or the Guitar Hero games. So awesome, one of the few music games I DON'T hate.

Look at what we did/Came a long way from dirty ghetto kids...

So yeah. I've been laying pretty low lately. Downloading some music, reading a book, playing Uncharted. Average stuff. I now have a LOT more respect for professional video game reviewers, because I gotta be honest with you: No matter how good a game is, playing it Exclusively for weeks at a time makes it turn real old REAL FAST. So I may or may not move on to something other than Uncharted 2, not sure yet. I may end up playing all three of the big "time consuming" games at once, instead of in sequence.

But enough about video games.

I pause after typing that. I can feel a faint rumbling sound. I swiftly get up off my ass to look out the window, as the rumbling has gotten much louder. I look out the window. Burning rocks fall from the sky, and four skeleton horsemen ride through the skies, killing all in their path. By willingly changing the subject away from video games, I, Justin McGuire, have single-handedly caused the apocalypse.

Anyway.

I got a girlfriend, which is pretty sweet, and we're going on our first date tonight. She's taking me ice skating. God help us all.

Like I said before, I've been downloading a lot music lately. I like hip-hop a lot, and I have to say, Lupe Fiasco is one of the best rappers I have ever heard. Not only does he have skills, he also has meaning in his raps. Doujah Raze is also really good, but even though they have like, six albums on iTunes, they're still kinda underground, so good luck pirating their stuff from uTorrent or something. I also just got into Daft Punk, who are great to listen to if you have a day where you just aren't feeling any of your usual activities, and need something to occupy your mind. Oh, and I also got this hilarious song; it's an auto-tune of MLK's "I Have A Dream Speech" and it's freaking hilarious. (Better Than It Sounds) Here's the link, btw.

Just kidding.

Here it is, for real this time.

Haha, just screwing with you again.

Okay, no more lies, this is most definitely the link.

AHA!

I gotcha, didn't I!?

Just checking if you were actually watching each video, or just waiting until the end.

So the book I've been reading, and finished today actually, is "Just A Geek" by Wil Wheaton (Here is his main blog http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ and here is his podcast at http://www.radiofreeburrito.com/)

IT

IS
AMAZING.

This book, (along with the new Star Trek movie) has made me decide to start watching Star Trek, starting with The Next Generation.

Highly recommend.

Also, the title of this post is a reference to Lupe Fiasco. It's the opening line to his song Kick, Push II.

Okay, fine.

I'll give you some poetry.

Happy?

Here.

A Thousand Sides of the Same Coin

I am an untouchable holy man,
the black sheep of the Pagans,
a lover of social animals.
Pathologically unpredictable,
I dance as if everyone is watching.
I’ve got more cents than a decillion dollar bill.
A calculator in a class on Random Matrices,
I never turn off.
I’m an OCD guy painting MC Escher.
I am the far right, the far left,
the far sight, The Far Side.
I’m your best friend disguised
as your worse nightmare.
I am the daydreamer, the poet,
the logician, the mathematician,
a magician.
I am the man in the straightjacket,
calling you crazy, with you
believing every word.
I am The Walrus,
I am The Taxman,
I am The Eggman,
I’m Nowhere, Man.
I’m a Molotov cocktail on the rocks.
I see the world through 3-D glasses,
exploding and scorching
and burning the streets.
Who cares for me? I’m nothing
but a pack of cards--
a stacked deck with a side
of loaded dice.
I am the face card of every suit--
a Jack Of All Trades,
the Club and the Spade,
the King of Hearts, without his Queen.
So shuffle me, deal me,
the chips are down, all bets are in.
But before you make that final wager,
lady, remember:
this house always wins.

Who wants to read some Poetry!!!??

So I have these poems, from creative writing class. And one or two essay's/short stories...they're actually pretty sweet, and not your average "teenage angst boo-hoo" type shit.

So, would anyone be opposed to having some of that stuff posted as filler while I get through Uncharted 2 and such?

I won't be posting regularly for a while

I am currently playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, and will soon start Mass Effect and Brutal Legend. After I finish one of these, I will post a review of it, and then will move on to the next game, and so on and so forth. After these three games are taken care of, I will begin posting more regularly.

It's my birthday

NO POST FOR YOU.

I will be too busy having a wild paughty.

And by WILD PAUHTY I mean dinner at Applebees with my little sister and parents.

Left 4 Dead 2

Left 4 Dead 2 is a game made up of DLC. And that's not a bad thing. No, it is not simply an ad-on being marketed as a full game, and no, it is not a brand new game. The whole of Left 4 Dead 2 is greater than the sum of it's parts, if I'm using that phrase right. Basically, let's go over what's old:

4 people going through missions full of zombies.

Various "special" infected zombies that serve as bosses and minibosses throughout the missions.

Crescendo events that signal large waves of zombies coming at you.

Director AI controling spawns so that no game plays the same twice.

Safe rooms as "save points" separating each mission into parts.

Basically, nothing was REMOVED from the first game. All that was done was added new things to an already great game. So let's go over those things, shall we?

1. New Characters: I don't know if it's just the characters, or the voice actors, or the fact that the game has a storyline (more on that later), but I like these characters a LOT more than the last bunch. Ellis' little stories about him and his buddy Keith, Coach praying for both his and the food court's safety, Rochelle's motherly attitude, Nick's role as the Jerk With A Heart Of Gold ( http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/JerkWithAHeartOfGold) although not quite as obvious as Francis, all of these make for a colorful cast, and I'm sounding like such a cliche reviewer right now.

2. Storyline: Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Oh, wait. ANYWAY; there is a semblance of a story, but the only difference between the story in the last one and this one is that there is more dialog relating to how the people got to where the are. HINT: THE PILOT TURNED ZOMBIE!!

3. Moar Weapons: Yes, unlike in the last game, where there were only three types of guns, only two of which had a better version, there are MULTIPLE guns in this game. You have at least four different shotguns, the one from the first game, a chrome shotgun, the auto-shotty, and the combat shotgun. The hunting rifle now has the better Sniper rifle, which I believe is more accurate, but i'm not entirely sure. For machine guns, you have the Uzi and the assault rifle, but you also have an Ak-47, and a gun with a three burst shot. Also there's a grenade launcher. In addition to having two regular pistols, you can swap them out for one magnum pistol, which does slightly less damage then the weakest shotgun, and has only eight bullets per clip.

4. Ammunition: Taking the spot of your health pack (which you can usually pick right back up when you're done) is different ammo types. There is explosive, which guarantees one shot kills and glorious gibbing, and incendiary ammo, which lights all zombies on fire EXCEPT FOR the hazmat suit zombies in the first campaign. Also you can get laser sights, but they don't do much in the heat of battle, although they are great if you wanna do some sniping but you don't have a scoped gun.

5. More Stuff: Instead of the health pack, you can get a defibrillator, which brings dead people back to life. I personally haven't played online yet, and I suck at games so I play on easy, so I haven't needed it yet. There is a new throwable item; a jar of boomer bile. Any zombies that get hit by it will be swarmed by a horde, and one they have died, the bile will remain in the air, allowing you to shoot the clustering zombies like fish in a barrel. Throwing the bile on Tanks and Witches is also great fun. Supplementing PEELZ is shots of adrenaline, which give about half the temporary health that PEELZ give, but also let you do EVERYTHING faster; running, shooting, turning, reloading. Great if you are low on health, and want to guarantee that final run to the safe house.

6. SUPER SMASH ZOMBIES MELEE: Melee weapons, are awesome. They make you feel like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland. Tons of fun, and SO useful if you're surrounded by the Horde. Also...there is a chainsaw. It has limited fuel, and it attracts zombies (not new zombies, existing zombies), but hey, more stuff to slash, right? I personally NEVER have the regular pistol if the melee weapons or magnum are available.

7. It Got Worse: Both the Director AI, and the zombies. The game is harder than I remember the first being, and the special infected, aesthetically, look WAY unhealthier. The Boomer is fatter, the Hunter has marks on his feet and the sleeves going from the duct tape to his hands and feet have fallen off, the Smoker now has neck tentacles and several Boomer-like growths on his neck, and the Tank's lower jaw has grown into his chest. The Tank is also black, for some reason. New to the party are the Spitter, Jockey, and Charger. The Jockey is annoying, because although it cackles non-stop once it spawns, unlike the other Special Infected, it DOESN'T make a specific noise when it attacks. It is also quite small and fast, and like the Hunter and Smoker before it, once it gets you, unless you have a buddy to help, you ain't getting it off. The Charger is like that as well, in that it slams you down and you can't get out of it's giant right hand unless it dies. The Spitter dies quickly, one or two shots, but it shoots "goo" bombs at you that spread a great distance, and burn if you stand on it, and when it dies, it leaves behind a smaller puddle of the same goo. The goo dissipates after a while though. You also have the Uncommon Common, which are specific to campaigns. The first has Hazmat Suit zombies, who are immune to fire, and drop Boomer Bile. The second campaigns is Zombie Clowns, whose squeaky shoes attract zombies, which can lead to Boomer sized hoards if not dealt with. The third campaign has Mudmen, who are quicker than average, smaller due to crawling on all four's, run at full speed in water, and blind the player. Third campaign has Construction Workers who are immune to the Zombie siren sound of Boomer Bile jars and Pipe bombs, and can also take slightly more punishment. Finally, in the last campaign, you have Riot Workers, who drop police batons, and are immune to any front attacks, forcing you to get behind them to kill them. Oh, and during the day, Witches walk around now.

8. Can I Get An EPIC WIN?!: The levels. Oh god the levels. The first campaign is traversing through a burning hotel, to a gun shop where you escort cola to the owner to pass, then in the mall, the climax is running gas to a stock racecar on display to escape. The next level is a carnival, where the finale is putting a rock show with pyrotechnics AND heavy metal version of both Tank themes when the Tanks spawn in order to attract the attention of a helicopter. After that is a swamp, which is pretty average, not too much epic there. But after that, the campaign is going somewhere the first half, then coming back to the docks you started at. The catch? The Sugar mill is infested with witches the first half, and the second half? A FUCKING HURRICANE! And unlike other games where that would have no affect on gameplay, all previous areas are now flooded waist high, vision is impaired, In game AND microphone sound is dampened, and every once in a while, the storm will kick up, causing near blindness and attracting the hoard.

So there you have it. Eight new things in Left 4 Dead 2. Also? Two times four is eight. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

So yeah.

Frikkin AMAZING game, HIGHLY recommend, no, DEMAND that you get it.

And before I go, two things:

1. In the first section of the last campaign, there is a jukebox. This jukebox will sometimes play the song RE: Your brains. Observe this video for more specificities:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH7BX6-RzI0&feature=related

There is also talk of DLC in which the characters of the first game meet the characters of the second game for a mission...

Enjoy fighting over those things on the forums people!